Admission Impossible

An undercover reporter spies on a group of bacteria who are hatching a plot to sneak into our water supply! If they are successful, the citizens are doomed.
This comedy play script features various contaminants who are plotting ways to evade the water treatment process (to no avail). This script was created for ages 11-18 to work in conjunction with a science lesson on water treatment. It includes a handy list of water treatment vocabulary words and their definitions!

About the Playwright:

Jeff Dunne is a playwright living near Baltimore, but his plays have been produced across the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom. Both his full-length plays and shorter one-act scripts have won numerous festivals and competitions with professional and amateur theaters, and several works have been either written for or adapted to film. Jeff’s focus in writing is to encourage people to see life from new perspectives, and to open their minds to alternate interpretations and possibilities concerning things that they might otherwise take for granted. When not writing, Jeff enjoys acting (not nearly enough) and chocolate (far too much) and runs a Not-For-Profit organization that works to improve our world through a better understanding of the nature of self and consciousness. He is also a researcher in physics, engineering, and data science at the Johns Hopkins University.

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS

UNDERCOVER REPORTER Stands downstage-addressing the audience
(The Reporter is not seen by the other characters.)
ASSISTANT Just one, off-stage line
SLUDGE Commander Sludge, a no-nonsense leader with a very bad plan
COLE An innocent bacteria
STREP A snarky bacteria
HUM A bacteria with severe attention deficit issues

SETTING
An office with a desk.
(The undercover reporter enters stage right and addresses the audience.)

UNDERCOVER REPORTER
I’m Alex Whitney, an undercover reporter for the Water Times. I’m on assignment outside the Springfield Water Treatment Plant to spy on a group of bacteria who are reportedly hatching a plot to sneak into our water supply! If they are successful, the citizens are doomed. (Grinning) But I will have the front-page story. Let’s listen in…

(Alex stays downstage, occasionally reacting to what he/she hears.)

SCENE

(Lights up in the briefing room of a secret agency. Behind a desk sits Commander Sludge, a serious-minded, mission-focused germ. An intercom buzzes.)

ASSISTANT (OFF)
The special task force is here. Shall I send them in, Commander?

SLUDGE
Immediately, Doris.
(The door opens, and Cole, Strep, and Hum come in. They step up to the desk, Cole in front.)

You must be Lt…. (He glances at a paper…)

COLE
Cole, sir. Lt. Cole Duh.

SLUDGE
Your dossier says your name is ‘E’.

COLE
That’s my first initial, sir. My first name is Edward, but I go by it. So I just write ‘E’.

SLUDGE
So you’re Lt. E. Cole.

COLE
Aye.

SLUDGE
“I” Cole?

COLE
E. Cole.

SLUDGE
E. Cole.

COLE
Aye.

UNDERCOVER REPORTER
(To audience) E coli! Gross!

SLUDGE
Whatever. And you must be… Streptococcus Pneumonia.

STREP
Call sign ‘Strep,’ sir.

SLUDGE
Very well, Strep. And you must be… (Checking the report…) Bordetella Pertussis.

UNDERCOVER REPORTER
(To audience.) This is the worst gang of bacteria-all in one place!

HUM
Mm hmm.

SLUDGE
What?

COLE
He doesn’t speak much. We just call him ‘Hum’?

SLUDGE
And he’s okay with that?

STREP
Prefers it, sir.

SLUDGE
Doesn’t that make him a hum bu—

COLE
Don’t say it, sir. Don’t go there. He doesn’t like it.

HUM
Mm-mmm.

SLUDGE
Very well. (Gesturing to no chairs…) Please, make yourself uncomfortable. (Beat) Welcome to the Special Mitochondrial Engineering Laboratories for Bacterial Advanced Design.

COLE
That’s quite a long name, sir.

SLUDGE
(Motioning to a logo behind him, if possible…)
SMELBAD, for short.

UNDERCOVER REPORTER
(To audience.) I can confirm that!

STREP
Much better.

SLUDGE
Enough chatter. I am Commander Sludge, and I have requisitioned your assistance in a top-secret project, codename MATH BLECH.

COLE
Math…?

SLUDGE
MATH BLECH. It stands for Make All the Humans Uncomfortably Gassy and Gross.

STREP
Wouldn’t that be MATH UGG, sir? Or maybe MATH U GAG?

SLUDGE
Good catch, soldier. It used to be Make All the Humans Bloated, Lethargic, and… something, something. Anyway, we decided the name was too long, but we’d already printed all the pamphlets. Anyway, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is—

COLE
So we have a choice?

SLUDGE
No. I was just being polite. Your mission is to sneak into the human’s water supply, multiply like there’s no tomorrow, and infect every single person in the world.

UNDERCOVER REPORTER
(To audience.) This sounds bad!

HUM
Hmmmm?

SLUDGE
What’s that?

COLE
He wants to know why there’s no tomorrow.

SLUDGE
There is a tomorrow. We just don’t want the humans to think there’s a tomorrow. Now, here’s how this is going to go down.