Little Hood Riding Brat

Little Hood Riding Brat is a twisted fairytale for teens that pokes fun at the original tale, Little Red Riding Hood. In this version, Little Red has some issues concerning her name, her mother’s baking, granny’s neighborhood, and the list goes on! Will the narrator ever be able to tell this story without her constant criticism? Will the wolf really eat granny and get cut open like a melon? Will any of them live “happily ever after”? Teens will adore this fun play filled with sarcasm and humor!

Jack Helbig is a journalist, playwright, and high school teacher; he has written about theatre for more years that he cares to remember for, among other publications, the Chicago Reader, the Daily Herald, American Theatre, the Sondheim Review, and many others. His plays and musicals have been produced around the United States and Australia. His one-act comic Snow White, who is also called Becky, no Rebecca, and the Frog Prince won an award at the 2013 Indie Boots Theatre Festival. His verse drama Thinking of Her Made Him Think of Her and won the Turner Cassity Award for verse drama in 2014, and was also produced at the 2014 Elgin Fringe Festival. His adaptations of popular fairy tales have been produced in Chicago by Pigeons with Teeth and in Houston, Texas, by the Express Children’s Theatre. He co-wrote a one woman show, Here Lies a Manic Pixie Dream Girl , with actor Melody Jefferies, who has performed it at fringe festivals in Elgin, Illinois; Chicago; Milwaukee; and, most recently, Boulder, Colorado, where the one act won an award for best writing. Jack Helbig currently lives in Oak Park, Illinois, with his wife, his daughter, and his sweet, but always begging for food, dog.

Excerpt from the play:

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Narrator
Mother
Little Red
The Wolf
Grandma
The Random Hunter

Narrator
Once upon a time there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One day her mother came to her and said:

Mother
Little Red Riding Hood, here is a basket of goodies. Take them to granny’s house.

Little Red
Okay, Mom, so here are some things I don’t get about this story. First off, my name. Little Red Riding Hood. Everyone thinks that’s my real name,

Mother
But your real name is Rebecca.

Little Red
I know. I hate that name too.

Mother
That’s why we all call you Becky.

Little Red
Ick, what am I? A character in some old timey book? Oh look, here is Becky, and her friends Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Whoever.

Mother
What do you want to be called?

Little Red
I don’t know. Not Rebecca. Or Becky. Or Little Red Riding Hood.

Mother
Oh, Becky…

Little Red
Mom!

Mother
Sorry.

Little Red
None of the other kids at school have weird names.

Mother
Oh honey, don’t worry about what they think.

Little Red
Mother, you always say that.

Mother
(To the narrator.) She used to be such a sweet little girl.

Narrator
She’s 14. She’ll grow out of it.

Little Red
STOP! TALKING! About MEEEEEE! Now, tell me, madre, is my last name supposed to be Hood, or Riding Hood, or Red Riding Hood, which makes the most sense? Except, if my last name is Red Riding Hood, then my first name is Little, which is stupid!

Mother
Oh, honey, do you want to forget about going to Grandma’s house? Her blood pressure is up, and I don’t think she needs —

Little Red
Oh, god. You think I will kill grandma. I can’t believe you think that!

Mother
I didn’t say that.

Little Red
You did! You did!

Mother
Okay, go then. I don’t care.

Little Red
I will. I will. You’ll see. Grandma likes me. Seeing me won’t kill her. She is the best.

Narrator
And so Little Red Riding Hood —

Little Red
I told you I hate that name!

Narrator
Okay, okay, so Rebecca,

Little Red
Grrrr.

Narrator
Becky.

Little Red
GRRRR!

Narrator
Beck?

Little Red
Hmmm. I like it. Beck. Beck. Yes, I like that.

Narrator
So Beck took a basket of goodies and went into the deep dark forest where her mother lived.

Little Red
That’s another thing. Why am I taking goodies TO grandma’s house? Grandma is a much better cook than my mother. She uses butter and brown sugar and honey. Mom thinks all that stuff is poison. If it tastes good she hates it. No sugar. No dairy. Gluten free. She makes cookies with tofu…TOFU. Her cookies are like awful. Chewy and dry at once. Like eating kitty litter.

Narrator
Well…I don’t know.

Little Red
I know you don’t know. You’re just the narrator. All narrators are lame.

Narrator
Sorry?

Little Red
And another thing. Why does my grandma live in a deep dark forest? That is kind of a dangerous place for an elderly person, don’t you think? Shouldn’t she live in like some assisted care place or something like that?

Narrator
Well, I…

The Wolf
Hello, Little Red Riding Hood. How are you?

Little Red
Oh, hi, wolf. Look my eyes are up here.

The Wolf
I know. I just like looking at your goodies.

Little Red
Hey, that’s kind of rapey for a children’s fairytale, isn’t it.

The Wolf
I was talking about those cookies. Besides this whole fairytale is kind of rapey, isn’t it.

Little Red
Uh-huh. I think so. You want a cookie?

The Wolf
Sure.

Little Red
Here.

The Wolf
Ewwww.

Little Red
Good, aren’t they.

The Wolf
They are awful! chewy and dry at once.

Little Red
Like eating kitty litter.

The Wolf
I have never eaten kitty litter.

Little Red
You should. Better than eating madre’s cookies. Have another?

The Wolf
Sure, thank you. Ugh.

Little Red
That’s the thing. Her cookies are horrible, but you can’t stop eating them..

Narrator
And so Little Red, Beck, skipped off to her grandmother’s house. Meanwhile, the wolf saw his opportunity and took the shortcut.

Little Red
That’s another thing. If there was a short cut, don’t you think I would take it? I don’t even want to go to granny’s. Y’all think I’m stupid.