Monsters Anonymous

A vampire who’s allergic to blood. A bald werewolf. A ghost who stutters. A witch who can’t make potions. A vegetarian zombie, and a newbie therapist. Hilarity ensues when they all meet up in the basement of City Hall to discuss their problems.

Students of all ages will enjoy performing this short comedy! The play includes discussion questions, and director’s notes about casting, costumes, and simple set design.

Watch a virtual performance of Monsters Anonymous here!

Debra A. Cole is a celebrated humanities teacher, youth theatre director, and children’s playwright with degrees in journalism, art history, and elementary education. She understands the needs of young performers and their directors and creates pieces that encourage engaging discussion, creative thought, and quirky playfulness. Her goal is that young performers discover the power and delight that theatre brings to actors and audiences alike.

Visit her website:

www.debraacole-playwright.com

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS

VAMPIRE – (M/F) allergic to blood – is always thirsty
WEREWOLF – (M) looks human – suffers from severe hair loss
GHOST – (M)young ghost – stutters – can’t get words out
WITCH – (F) bad cook – her potions never come out correctly
ZOMBIE – (M/F) monotone speaker – vegetarian – doesn’t want to eat brains
THERAPIST – (M/F) human – new to therapy with monsters

(The action takes place in current day in the basement of City Hall.)

(Lights come up on 6 chairs in a semi-circle, facing out to the audience. The stage is set up like a dark and dingy basement with cheesy motivational posters and a water cooler. All characters are milling around a table, stage right, enjoying donuts, coffee, and water. Note:  Vampire and Zombie are not eating or drinking from the provided drinks and snacks.)

THERAPIST
(turns to walk toward the chairs) Okay, everyone. It is time to start.

(Everyone else heads toward a chair and sits.)

Welcome to the first meeting of Monsters Anonymous. I want to also thank City Hall for letting us use the basement for our meetings.

(Everyone claps.)

This is my first support group as a therapist for monsters, so I’m a little nervous. Please bear with me.

(big breath) I am proud of each and every one of you for taking the first step to come and talk about your issues as monsters. You are very brave.

WEREWOLF:
(rolls eyes) I didn’t want to be here, tonight. My boss made me come.

THERAPIST
Well, whatever the reason. I’m glad you are all here. Who would like to go first?

(Everyone looks around at each other nervously – finally, Witch raises her hand.)

You, ma’am. Why are you here today?

WITCH
Hi, my name is…

THERAPIST
(interrupting) Oh no… I’m sorry. We don’t give our names here. This support group is anonymous. That way, monsters like you, are able to go back out into the community and scare people without fear. We want HUMANS to have fear…not monsters.

GHOST
(stuttering) W…w….w….w…what d…d…d…. do you mean, US? You’re not a m…m….m….m… monster with problems.

THERAPIST
(nervously) No…I’m not…but I have studied and passed all my monster exams, so I am here to help.

WITCH
(rolls eyes) Whatever.

THERAPIST
(scolding) Now, watch the attitude. Don’t you think you are just being a little witchy?

WITCH
(laughs) Ha! Good one! (takes a deep breath) Okay. I’ll try this again. Hello, I’m CLEARLY a witch, so being witchy is my game.

EVERYONE
(in unison) Hi, Witch!

WITCH
Huh. So that’s how this works. Great. I said I am a witch, but my problem is that I am not a very good one. What is the one of the very biggest things a witch is supposed to be good at?

VAMPIRE
Spells!

ZOMBIE
(monotone) Eating children.

WEREWOLF
Flying on a broomstick?

WITCH
No! Those are all easy. (drops her head in embarrassment) Potions. I can’t make potions.

GHOST
You mean, you can’t c.. c… c… c… cook?

WITCH
Easy, Casper. Find your words. Of course, I can cook… I just can’t blend. I read the potion recipes. Grab a little eye of newt… Stir in the hair of golden unicorn…Add a dash of bat whiskers… and NOTHING. The potion I made last night was supposed to curse my neighbor, just gave him gas. (starts to reach in big carpet bag for glass jar of something green) Want to try some?

WEREWOLF
Absolutely not.