No Princesses Need Apply

Loyal servant Mabel has sat by Prince Philander's side for his cursed sleep of 100 years, waiting for the spell to be broken by a beautiful princess. Unfortunately, the princesses who "apply" are less than satisfactory. They are self-centered and shallow. In the end, it is Mabel herself who must break the curse, and "no princesses need apply."

About the Playwright:

Karleen Hayden is a retired first-grade teacher who has come to playwriting late in life. She has over 20 years of experience with children’s theater, working as Director, Stage Manager, Costumer, Kid and Dog Wrangler, and general go-fer. Karleen is a founding member of the Matinee Theater Players of the Sand Lake Center for Arts, a group dedicated to taking live performances to local schools, assisted living centers, and nursing homes, and is the director of Circle of Friends Players, a group of multi-talented “differently abled” adults. Several of her plays have won awards in one-act festivals, and she is also the recipient of the Theater Association of New York State Excellence in Writing Award. Karleen currently works as a dog trainer and competes in Rally and Agility. Her favorite role in life, however, is being Grandma!

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS

Magnificat: Loyal servant to Prince Philander
Mabel: Official Royal Attendant to the Prince
Prince Philander: Sound asleep for 100 years, awaiting a kiss from a Princess
Obsequious: Royal Herald
Dunder: Assistant Royal Herald
Princess Hester Highbrow
Princess Ally Katz
Princess Petunia Petals

At Rise: Prince Philander is sleeping and snoring on his throne. Mabel is sitting at his side (She may be knitting or reading). Enter Magnificat with a calendar in one hand, and a spyglass in the other.

MAGNIFICAT (with great excitement)
Guess what? Guess what? Today is…..

MABEL
SSSSSHH! Keep your voice down, Mag! You know what will happen to the Prince if he wakes too soon without being kissed by (romantically) “the kindest and fairest maiden in the land; she who is unselfish and kind, loving and loyal, radiating beauty from within.” He’ll turn into a toad, that’s what!

MAGNIFICAT
Yes, yes. But guess what, Mabel? You’ll never guess what! It’s….

MABEL
Oh, do be quiet! Don’t you want the Prince to have a long, happy life ruling the kingdom with a beautiful princess by his side?

MAGNIFICAT
But…

MABEL
Or would you rather have him spend eternity at the bottom of a pond?

MAGNIFICAT (frustrated)
Well, no, but…And toads don’t live in ponds anyway so…

MABEL
You heard Fairy Godmother. The spell will last 100 years before a magic kiss from a princess awakens the Prince. So we shall wait 100 years. Now, be off with you!

MAGNIFICAT (with excitement)
But that’s just it! Today’s the day! It’s been 100 years as of today! (Does a little jig or happy dance)

MABEL
What? (grabs the calendar from Magnificat and stares at it) My gosh! 100 years already? (stares fondly at the Prince) They go by so quickly, don’t they?

MAGNIFICAT
Quick! Quick! Ye Royal Spyglass! (turns around in confusion looking for it then discovers it’s in his hand) Oh! Aha! There it is! I need to see if any princesses are approaching the castle. Every kingdom for miles around has been waiting for this day. They shall send us their finest, most beautiful, richest princesses! We must be prepared! (scans the audience with his spyglass)

MABEL
I just hope whoever wakes him is loving and kind and….

MAGNIFICAT
Oh, who cares? I’m tired of waiting for Snoring Beauty to wake up. I haven’t had a day off in 100 years! I’m so happy, I could kiss him myself!

MABEL
NO! (sighs and looks at the Prince) Oh, I will miss Prince Philander. Mag, what am I to do once the Prince marries? For 100 years I’ve kept the fires burning, fluffed his pillow, combed his hair, brushed off the cobwebs….And now (trying not to cry) what is to become of me?

MAGNIFICAT
Are you crazy? Take a vacation! Go to Paris! Or Schenectady! Or…..go back to school! Whatever! (scans the audience with the spyglass again; becomes extremely excited and jumps for joy) Oh! Oh, I say! I say! How exciting! A royal party approacheth!

MABEL
They what?

MAGNIFICAT
Definitely a royal party! Prancing horses, guardsmen, pumpkin coaches, trumpets blaring….(squeaky, excited voice) Oh! Oh! Hah hah! I spy a princess! A princess, Mabel! (grabs Mabel and spins her around in a little dance) Huzzah!

MABEL (sadly)
Yes. Huzzah.

MAGNIFICAT
Well, must be off! Food to be prepared, royal toilets to be cleaned, beds to be made. There will be many more princesses arriving soon! (excited, squeaky voice) Yes! Huzzah! Huzzah! (exits)

Enter Obsequious, followed by Princess Hester Highbrow who is being escorted by Dunder. Dunder tries to take her arm like a gentleman, but she slaps him away.

OBSEQUIOUS (may use a funny, cartoonish voice)
Presenting Her Royal Highness, Princess Hester LOWBROW.

PRINCESS HESTER HIGHBROW (outraged)
It’s HIGHBROW! (Dunder covers his ears)

OBSEQUIOUS
Begging your pardon, Royal Madam. Presenting Princess Hester EYEBROW! (he and Dunder bow and exit)

PRINCESS HESTER HIGHBROW (disgusted)
Honestly, it’s so hard to get good help these days! Well, where’s this prince I’m supposed to kiss?

MABEL
Right here, Your Highness. (bows and places her hand on Prince Philander’s shoulder)

Princess Hester Highbrow crosses to Prince, leans over, and checks him out.

PRINCESS HESTER HIGHBROW
That’s him? He doesn’t look like a prince to me.

MABEL
Of course, he does! He…he…looks like himself and he’s a prince!

PRINCESS HESTER HIGHBROW
I see. Pity. Not very royal looking. Well, might as well give it a shot.

Princess Hester Highbrow leans down and kisses Prince Philander on the cheek. Prince continues to sleep.

PRINCESS HESTER HIGHBROW
Well! I say! What’s wrong with him? Why isn’t he waking?