The STD’s

The STD’s is a comedy from the point of view of three sexually transmitted diseases. Syphilis has called an emergency meeting with the other diseases. For years, they have been the baddest of the bad causing countless infections and deaths. But now, there are some new diseases in town messing with their status. They will have to brainstorm the best way to infect more people and make their comeback! This comedy contains strong language and sexual content and would be appropriate for older teens to adults.

Ian Patrick Williams shared the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the PBS teleplay BLEACHER BUMS, which was later adapted and produced as a M.O.W. by SHOWTIME. After moving to L.A., he worked for the not-for-profit organization Enrichment Works, writing and directing seven one act plays that toured the LAUSD school systems. His one act PROVENANCE was recently produced at Ensemble Studio Theater’s One Act Play Festival. His short play NORMAL SHNORMAL won the first place Gold Quill award at the 2017 Tehachapi One Act Festival. The film GANGSTER LAND for which he wrote the screenplay was recently released by Status Media Entertainment.

Excerpt from the play:

CAST OF CHARACTERS

SYPHILIS – their charismatic leader
CHLAMYDIA – a tough chick
GONORRHEA – muscular and not terribly bright.

Setting – Inside the human body

*words & music by Cole Porter

At rise: Three sexually transmitted diseases enter, joking and ad-libbing. They are dressed as gang members, wearing black sweatshirts or leather jackets with their names printed across the front or back.

SYPHILIS
All right, all right. Let’s bring this meetin’ of the STD’s to order. Roll call: Gonorrhea?

GONORRHEA
Here.

SYPHILIS
Hepatitis B? Hep B? Hey, where is he?

CHLAMYDIA
You didn’t hear?

SYPHILIS
What?

GONORRHEA
He’s in the emergency room.

SYPHILIS
No!

CHLAMYDIA
Yeah. You know how he can be stopped with just three shots? Some doctor got him. Poor guy’s just barely hangin’ in there.

SYPHILIS
Geez, that’s terrible.

GONORRHEA
I’m gonna go visit him later; see if I can spread some infection at the hospital while I’m at it.

SYPHILIS
O.K., good. Give him my best and tell him I hope he gets sick again real soon. All right, back to roll call: Chlamydia?

CHLAMYDIA
Yo.

SYPHILIS
And yours truly, Syphilis, presidin’. I move we shelve the notes from the last meetin’ and just get down to current business.

GONORRHEA
I second the motion.

CHLAMYDIA
Me too. O.K., so why DID you call this meetin’, Syph?

SYPHILIS
I’ll tell you why: for years, we STDs have been the baddest gang in the land. We been controllin’ our turf from the genital side to the anal side; even up north to the oral side. Who can even count how many sexually transmitted infections and deaths we’ve caused throughout the years.

GONORRHEA & CHLAMYDIA
YEAH!

(Gonorrhea and Chlamydia high five each other)

SYPHILIS
But then you know what happened a while back: the C.I.A. started to crack down on us.

CHLAMYDIA
(snarling) The C.I.A. Clinically Intensive Antibiotics.

SYPHILIS
That’s right. The Feds started funding drug tests to find cures for us. And then all of a sudden, BAM, we weren’t fatal any more. It’s been tough on us ever since.

GONORRHEA
Yeah, but we’re still here! Them lousy Feds haven’t been able to stop us completely. We’re still the baddest gang around.

(He and Chlamydia are about to hive-five each other again.)

SYPHILIS
No we’re not!! That’s what I’m tryin’ to tell you! It’s true we’re the O.G.s: the Original Gangstas of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. But now, there are these new gangs movin’ in on our turf and tryin’ to do all the things we been doin’: infectin’ people, killin’ ‘em. They’re takin’ away our street cred.

GONORRHEA
What? Like who?

SYPHILIS
You’ve probably seen ’em around. For one, The Southside Genital Warts. They’ve been poppin’ up on genitalia all over town!

CHLAMYDIA
Oh yeah. I hear they been runnin’ with that other gang, the Homeboy Herpes.

GONORRHEA
Ooh, I hate them burnin’ and itchin’ little blisters!

SYPHILIS
Yeah. And the worst part is, WE can be cured with medication and THEY can’t!

GONORRHEA
Wait. You mean…

SYPHILIS
That’s right, Gono. Together, they’re…the Incurables.

CHLAMYDIA
Oh man. That really does cut into our reputation, doesn’t it?

SYPHILIS
There’s more bad news. Another leader hasn’t been around that long, but he’s really makin’ up for bein’ a newcomer: HIV/AIDS. In just 35 years, he and his boys have already killed over 35 million people.

CHLAMYDIA
35 million? No way!

SYPHILIS
Yeah! And another 35 million are infected!

GONORRHEA
Oh man, they ARE bad. Next to them, I feel like a wuss.

CHLAMYDIA
You ARE a wuss…but I know what you mean. (to Syphilis) Why they gotta come into our ‘hood? Why don’t they go work somewhere else? You know, arms and legs or some place?