Moonlighters

Frankie, an elf feeling oppressed by the working conditions at the North Pole, considers Santa and his wife to be Scrooges. In fact, he’s been secretly moonlighting–working a second-holiday job. When Frankie tries to get a sympathetic elf, Jojo, to join him in his escapades, a third elf, Quillowby, overhears and, appalled, threatens to tell Santa. The entrance of Mrs. Claus on the scene gives Quillowby the perfect opportunity to tattle, and all appears lost for Frankie. But then something happens that shows Frankie and Jojo how wrong they’ve been about the Clauses.

About the Author…

Vicki Riba Koestler’s produced full-length plays include We Gather Together and Epsilon Precious (The Play About the Cat) and the one-acts Googling Fin, Snedekker’s, Bad Move, Minna Kwasnik’s Stupid Blouse, That Time at Black Lake, In the Gardens of Eden, The Way People Are, To Flirt…Afloat…, Whatever Happened to Arlo Minchik?, Focus Group, and Love, The Andersons (written for Zoom with Allen Morrison). Published plays: Orange Sunset; Turnaround Time; and her play for young people, A Walk Before Breakfast. Vicki’s essays have appeared in The New York Times, Child magazine, New Jersey Monthly, and The Record of northern New Jersey, among other places. She has also co-authored two books with self-help author Gary Null: Choosing Joy and The Baby Boomer’s Guide to Getting it Right the Second Time Around. A native of New York City, Vicki now lives in Alexandria, Virginia.

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS:

FRANKIE-a North Pole elf, any gender

JOJO-another elf, any gender

QUILLOWBY-a third elf, any gender

MRS. CLAUS-traditional and loveable

JOJO, an elf, sits at a table near the cocoa station, sipping from a mug of cocoa and savoring the warmth emanating from it. After a few seconds, another elf, FRANKIE, enters jauntily and picks up a large bowl from the soup station. He then takes the bowl to the cocoa station and fills it with regular-size marshmallows. Then he adds several more so that the bowl is over-full, and he has to use a hand to prevent marshmallow spillage as he seeks a seat.

FRANKIE
Hiya JoJo, this seat taken?

JOJO
Nope.

FRANKIE
Mind if I join you?

JOJO
Not at all. Please do.

[FRANKIE sits and begins munching on marshmallows. After several seconds—]

Have some cocoa with your marshmallows?

FRANKIE
Ha-ha. Funny.

JOJO
No really—don’t you drink cocoa?

FRANKIE
Nah—I gotta cut down on sugar.

[FRANKIE pops a marshmallow into his mouth; JOJO is puzzled, then shrugs]

JOJO
Well I, for one, need to drink it for the heat. It’s so cold in here!

FRANKIE
Ain’t that the truth—it’s like the North Pole….Wait—it is the North Pole.

JOJO
Yeah, so you’d think the Clauses would turn the thermostat up a few degrees.

FRANKIE
Think again, sister. [or “bro”] They don’t care about us elves.

JOJO
[a correction]
Holiday facilitators.

FRANKIE
Oh yeah, they changed it. All of a sudden “elves” is politically incorrect, and now we’re “holiday facilitators.” Big whoop—a lotta good that does us. Claus still thinks he can make us feel warm just by feeding us hot food. Meanwhile, our tongues are burnt to a crisp while we’re losing our ears to frostbite! [JOJO checks her ears] You know, when it comes to forking out for fuel, those Clauses are a couple of Scrooges.

JOJO / FRANKIE
[alarmed] Oh my. / You should pardon the expression….But I’m right, aren’t I?

[FRANKIE bites into a marshmallow. He eats them throughout the play]

JOJO
I suppose you are, much as I hate to say it.

FRANKIE
Whoa. Do I sense that you too are beginning to get disillusioned with this gig? Starting to feel a little oppressed?

JOJO
I dunno. But I do have to admit…[she’s hesitant]

FRANKIE
[eager]
What?

JOJO
Well…I think I’m developing repetitive stress injuries.

FRANKIE
Oh gee—

JOJO
It’s from all that hammering, Frankie, nailing together those wooden rocking horses—day in, day out, week in, week out, month in, month out, year in, year—

FRANKIE
I get the point.

JOJO
Just saying—my wrist is starting to hurt.

FRANKIE
That’s rotten. You think you have carpal funnel?

JOJO
Yeah, something like that….Not to mention that my mind is going—I mean, doing the same task gets boring after a couple hundred thousand times.

FRANKIE
I know, right? They could vary our work assignments a little. But no, it’s like Claus thinks he’s Henry Ford and the assembly line is the greatest invention since white bread.

JOJO
Isn’t it sliced bread?

FRANKIE
Oh, any kind of bread, although the only kind of bread we get around here is toast, ‘cause it’s hot.

JOJO
You have to understand, it’s not that I begrudge the good little girls and boys their rocking horses.

FRANKIE
Of course, you don’t! And I don’t begrudge those dear children their dolls. But I tell you, JoJo, if I have to paint one more set of ruby-red perfectly pouty lips on one more doll face…Let’s just say it’s a good thing the weekend’s coming up.

JOJO
Is that how you do it, Frankie? Is that how you stay so perky and upbeat—you live for the weekends?

FRANKIE
I guess that’s one of my strategies. But I do have another one. And now I’m thinking…maybe you’d be interested in using it too. Maybe you’d like to join me.

JOJO
Depends on what it is. What is it that you do?

FRANKIE
I moonlight.

JOJO
Never heard of that. What is that?

FRANKIE
Moonlighting. It’s when you hold a second job.

JOJO
But how can you hold another job, Frankie? For hundreds of miles around here, there’s no other job besides Christmas elf.