Robin Hood and the Wedding of Doom

Sheriff Nottingham is up to his old tricks, squeezing money out of the peasants and trying to force Maid Marion to marry him. This comedic version of the story is a modern English pantomime, filled with farce, slapstick, and larger-than-life characters. Every cast member will have a chance to shine in this new, original melodrama!

Playwright’s note: As in the tradition of English panto, the original production featured multiple characters breaking into song. We’ve used pop, rock, Broadway, TV theme shows, you name it. We’ve also written a number of parody songs based on popular tunes. The key is to let the actors find songs that work for them, that they want to sing. The play can, of course, also be done without music. Most actors will play more than one part in the show. In general, the students involved in our productions have been in grades 3-9.

David Neilsen is the author of two Middle Grade horror/comic/fantasies published by Crown Books for Young Readers. His debut novel, Dr. Fell and the Playground of Doom, was named an Editor’s Pick by Amazon, won the Silver Falchion Award for Best YA/Tween Horror or Fantasy of 2017, and was a Semifinalist for Best Middle Grade / Children’s Book in the 2016 Goodreads Choice Awards. His second book, Beyond the Doors, was published in August of 2017. His plays are written originally for a children’s summer theater camp he’s been running for a number of years. David is a professional storyteller based in Sleepy Hollow, NY, and lives with his wife, son, daughter, and two very domineering cats.

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS:

FIRST GUARD – A lowly (and slightly dim) soldier working for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
SECOND GUARD – Anther lowly, slightly dim soldier working for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
SIR GUY – The no-nonsense right hand of the Sheriff of Nottingham.
LITTLE JOHN – Robin Hood’s right-hand-man.
ROBIN HOOD – A notorious outlaw. The good guy.
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM – The bad guy.
LORD FITZWALTER – Wealthy landowner.
LADY FITZWALTER – Wealthy landowner.
MAID MARIAN – A proud, intelligent, independent woman.
WILL SCARLET – Young, excitable, eager.
FRIAR TUCK – A Merry Man. Likes to eat.
NURSE – Servant of the Fitzwalters.
VARIOUS MERRY MEN – Members of Robin’s band.

TIME:  The 15th Century. On a Tuesday.

SETTING:  England

SCENE ONE: Sherwood Forest – Day

(Enter FIRST GUARD, SECOND GUARD, and SIR GUY. They are riding a carriage through the forest.)

FIRST GUARD:
I could go for a rest and a bite.

SECOND GUARD:
Aye. And something to wet my whistle. What say you, Sir Guy?

SIR GUY:
Fools! We’re within Sherwood Forest! Many an honest traveler has been robbed here of late by a vicious fiend!

FIRST GUARD:
You mean Robin Hood?

SECOND GUARD:
I heard he only robs the rich. I’m not rich.

FIRST GUARD:
Nor I.

SIR GUY:
We are travelling with a chest full of the Sheriff’s gold, you idiots! Keep a sharp eye!

(Enter ROBIN HOOD, dressed as an old beggar. He stands in front of the carriage.)

ROBIN HOOD:
Spare a farthing for an old, blind beggar, Gov’ner?

SIR GUY:
We’re on the Sheriff’s business! Stand aside or we shall run you down!

ROBIN HOOD:
If you can’t spare a farthing, how about a chest full of gold!

(The MERRY MEN, including LITTLE JOHN, step out and surround the carriage. Robin Hood reveals himself.)

SIR GUY:
Robin Hood!

ROBIN HOOD:
At your service! Men! Let us lighten their load so that they may make better time on their journey home!

(Little John leads the Merry men in taking the chest of gold from the carriage.)

SIR GUY:
Be warned, Robin Hood! That gold belongs to the Sheriff of Nottingham!

LITTLE JOHN:
Not anymore, it don’t.

ROBIN HOOD:
Well said, Little John.

(Robin Hood claps his hands and the Merry Men scatter, along with the chest.)

SIR GUY:
The Sheriff will hear of this, Hood!

ROBIN HOOD:
I certainly hope so! Please thank him for his donation!

(Robin Hood exits.)

FIRST GUARD:
I can’t believe we just met Robin Hood.

SECOND GUARD:
I expected him to be taller.

SIR GUY:
This is all your fault!

(Sir Guy kicks the two Guards as they head back to the castle.)

SCENE TWO: Nottingham Castle – Later

(The SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM addresses LORD and LADY FITZWALTER. MAID MARIAN stands quietly behind them.)

LORD FITZWALTER:
We had no problem paying the King’s Crusade Tax.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
You don’t say.

LADY FITZWALTER:
And we happily paid the Church’s Spiritual Health Tax.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Everybody needs a healthy spirit.

LORD FITZWALTER:
But now Prince John is demanding this Swimming Pool Tax.

LADY FITZWALTER:
Can he not swim in a moat like the rest of us?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Apparently not.

LORD FITZWALTER:
We simply have no more gold to give! We are being taxed out of our home!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
My heart bleeds for you, Lord and Lady Fitzwalter. I suppose I could say something to Prince John in your behalf, except…

LADY FITZWALTER:
Except what?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
I doubt you have enough gold left to pay my modest Bribe Tax. ‘Tis a small thing, but rules are rules.

LORD FITZWALTER:
Please Sheriff! There must be something you can do!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
I suppose there is one thing…

LADY FITZWALTER:
Anything! Anything!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
If I were in a generous mood…

LORD FITZWALTER:
We beg you!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
I could take… your daughter.

LADY FITZWALTER:
Marian?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Is that her name?

MAID MARIAN:
You scoundrel! You beast! You would take advantage of my parents when they are at their most desperate?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
It’s sort of what I do.

LORD FITZWALTER:
I could never agree to such an arrangement! I have my dignity!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Suit yourself. The tax collectors will be at your door tomorrow.