Accordian to Sean

After listening to a podcast on dealing with past regrets in life, Sean O’Malley decides to finally learn to play the accordion. He feels guilty for never learning to play the one his grandmother gave him for his 10th birthday. His wife Pat, however, is less than enthusiastic, and brings up all his past failed retirement hobbies.

About the playwright:

Karleen Hayden is a retired first-grade teacher who has come to playwriting late in life. She has over 20 years of experience with children’s theater, working as a director, stage manager, costumer, kid and dog wrangler, and general go-fer. Karleen is a founding member of the Matinee Theater Players of the Sand Lake Center for Arts, a group dedicated to taking live performances to local schools, assisted living centers, and nursing homes, and is the director of Circle of Friends Players, a group of multi-talented “differently abled” adults. Several of her plays have won awards in one-act festivals, and she is also the recipient of the Theater Association of New York State Excellence in Writing Award. Karleen currently works as a dog trainer and competes in Rally and Agility. Her favorite role in life, however, is being Grandma!

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS:
Sean: 60s/70s, retired, married to Pat
Pat: 60s/70s, retired, not fond of Sean’s retirement hobbies

AT RISE:
Pat is sitting at the kitchen table drinking morning coffee. Enter Sean wearing an old, ratty, belted bathrobe and slippers.

SEAN
Hey.

PAT
Hey, yourself. Coffee? (pours a cup, hands it to Sean who sits at the table)

SEAN
Thanks, honey, Hey, you know what I was thinking this morning?

PAT
That you need to get rid of that ratty old robe?

SEAN
What? No! I love this robe. It’s comfy.

PAT
It’s a disgrace.

SEAN
Says you. Anyway, you know what I was thinking about? What I regret about my past?

PAT
Haven’t a clue.

SEAN
I wish I’d learned to play the accordion.

PAT (stares at Sean in disbelief)
I’m sorry. You what?

SEAN
The accordion. I wish I’d learned to play it.

PAT (bursts out laughing)
That is so random! Where the heck did that come from?

SEAN
I had one when I was a kid.

PAT
You did not.

SEAN
I did. My grandmother bought it for me on my 10th birthday. I thought it was the dorkiest thing ever. Ma made me write a thank you note anyway.

PAT
Oookaaay. But… I don’t get it. Why didn’t you learn to play? And why the accordion? Your name is Sean O’Malley. Your Grandmother was Rosie O’Brien and your mom is Maggie O’Brien! You’re as Irish as a shamrock. Since when do the Irish play the accordion? I thought that was more of a Polish thing.

SEAN
Really, Pat? Cultural profiling in this day and age?

PAT
I’m not… You know what I mean. Polka bands and accordions are a Polish tradition. The Irish play concertinas I think.

SEAN
I don’t know why my grandmother bought it. I just shoved it into the back of my closet when she left. Although I admit that every now and then I’d haul it out and have a go at it.

PAT
And?

SEAN
My old man would holler (Irish accent), “Dammit, Maggie! Ta cat’s caught its tail in ta door again!”

PAT (laughing)
I bet your grandmother was a Lawrence Welk fan. Didn’t she ever wonder why you never played it?

SEAN
She lived in Ireland, remember? She only visited a few times when I was a kid but, lucky me, she was there for my 10th birthday with that damned accordion. But now… I kind of regret not learning how to play it. But y’know what? It’s not too late.

PAT
To play the accordion?

SEAN
Sure, why not? Learning new skills is important at our age. Keeps the brain cells active, you know?

PAT
Can’t you take up beer brewing like the rest of America? At least that might have an enjoyable outcome.