Defective Heroes Anonymous

With great power comes even greater…issues? A group of superheroes airs out their problems and challenges in a support group. Things take many twists and turns from the dramatic to the absurd. This play features a cameo from a legendary Caped Crusader with a troubled past of his own.

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About the playwright:

Novelist, poet, playwright, performer, and screenwriter, John Biscello, is the author of four novels, Broken Land, a Brooklyn Tale, Raking the Dust, Nocturne Variations, and No Man’s Brooklyn; a collection of stories, Freeze Tag, two poetry collections, Arclight and Moonglow on Mercy Street; and a fable, The Jackdaw and the Doll, illustrated by Izumi Yokoyama. He also adapted classic fables, which were paired with the vintage illustrations by artist, Paul Bransom, for the collection: Once Upon a Time, Classic Fables Reimagined. His produced, full-length plays include: LOBSTERS ON ICE, ADAGIO FOR STRAYS, THE BEST MEDICINE, ZEITGEIST, U.S.A., and WEREWOLVES DON’T WALTZ. He is the founder and director of the Taos Youth Ensemble, a theater collective, and as an independent drama educator, he has worked in various schools, creating plays with grades ranging from kindergarten through high school.

Excerpt from the play:

CHARACTERS:
Captain Cornucopia
Vermilion Cherry Crusader
She-Doe
Dame Owl
Terrific-Man
Doctor
Prana Purcy
Al the Avenging Demon from Queens
Grin-eater the Overlord
Batman

SETTING: Support Group

(ALL the superheroes are seated in chairs. CAPTAIN CORNUCOPIA eating a chocolate bar. He finishes it and crumples up the wrapper, throwing it into the trash can. VERMILION CHERRY CRUSADER stands up, walks over, and takes the wrapper out of the trash. Tense silence.)

CAPTAIN
Why did you do that?

CRUSADER
Oh, that? Don’t worry about that.

CAPTAIN
(standing)
When I put something in the trash, it becomes trash, and I expect it to stay in the trash.

SHE-DOE
Get a load of Sanitation Man.

CAPTAIN
I am not Sanitation Man! I am Captain Cornucopia!

(ALL snicker.)

CAPTAIN
(to CRUSADER)
Give me back that wrapper!

CRUSADER
No. It’s coming home with me.

CAPTAIN
You know, you don’t have to save everything.

CRUSADER
At least I can save things.

CAPTAIN
What are you implying?

CRUSADER
If there is something funny about my cape?

(CAPTAIN should be wearing a tablecloth as his cape.)

TERRIFIC-MAN
No, nothing at all, Captain Tablecloth.

CAPTAIN
My name is Captain Cornucopia. A man of many talents.

SHE-DOE
Yeah, but not a single superpower.

CAPTAIN
Who said that? I want to know who said that right now.

DAME OWL
You, young man, do not belong in this support group.

CAPTAIN
Yes, I do! I’m a superhero…with issues.

TERRIFIC-MAN
Yeah, the biggest one is that you don’t have any superpowers.

CAPTAIN
Oh, really? Could any mere mortal do this?

(CAPTAIN snaps his fingers and music comes on. Snaps fingers, music goes off.)

CAPTAIN
Or this?

(CAPTAIN performs a dramatic gesture, then grabs a small fan from under his chair, the fan already plugged in, which he displays.)

CAPTAIN
Feel the meteorological might, majesty, and magnificence of—

SHE-DOE
Please don’t let it start with an M.

CAPTAIN
Wind-Man!

(CAPTAIN turns on the fan and points it at the OTHERS.)

TERRIFIC-MAN
I thought your name was Captain Cornucopia.

CAPTAIN
I am a man of many names.

SHE-DOE
I thought you were a man of many talents.

CAPTAIN
My many talents have many names. So, what do you think of my superpower now? Can any of you blow wind? Huh? Can you, can you?

(DAME OWL walks over to the outlet and unplugs the fan. CAPTAIN looks around in confusion.)

DAME OWL
It seems your power is rather limited.

CAPTAIN
You found my secret weakness!

DAME OWL
No, I found the outlet in the wall.

(ALL start arguing. DOCTOR enters.)

DOCTOR
Heroes, heroes, please.

(ALL quiet down and sit in their chairs.)

DOCTOR
What’s the hullabaloo?

CAPTAIN
(pointing to CRUSADER)
This one can’t stop saving things. He took my chocolate wrapper out of the wastebasket.

DOCTOR
How did that make you feel?

CAPTAIN
It made me feel…

DOCTOR
Did it make you feel powerless?

CAPTAIN
No!

DAME OWL
Did you feel powerless when I unplugged your fan?

CAPTAIN
It wasn’t a fan! It was a…super-power.